Metro Don'ts List

This rant is inspired by the 'company' I had last evening on the Metro heading home... Yes, I mean YOU people.

- Keep your shoes on your feet. You aren't at home. You are in public and no one wants to see your dirty, stinky socks resting on the seat in front of you... or anywhere for that matter.

- Do NOT have your music so loud that I can hear your music (if you call it that) over mine... with my headphones... and half a train car between us... No, I shouldn't hear it even if I'm standing within three (3) feet of you. No one wants to listen to some stupid punk singing about how he killed a man for breathing, okay... no one who isn't going to be doing time shortly for stupidity... How'd you like it if Granny was listening to Barry Manilow on her headphones and you were stuck beside her for over an hour? Copa Cabana anyone?

- Do NOT talk so loud to your fellow idiot(s) that I can follow every detail of your boring (or soap opera-esque) life over my music... with my headphones on... and my eardrums crying at the volumn level I have it set to in an effort to overcome the graphic details of how he failed to 'do it' for you last night on the coffee table in your parents' home. We don't care. Shut up. And move out of your parents' house, you loser.

- Do NOT swear. We all had bad days too. We don't need you ranting to your fellow idiot(s) about your crappy day. This isn't "share time", shut it.

- The rules (see "laws") state that eating and/or drinking on the Metro is bad... illegal even. They meant you, jacka$$. Yes, you. No eating covers cookies, leftovers, peanuts, popcorn, chips, etc. And drinking covers all fluids, alcoholic or not. Yes, that means sodas too. So shut your mouth and wait until you get home or at least off the Metro. We don't care to smell your Cat Curry or Nasty Nachos in the crowded car or stand in the puddle of soda you spilled on the floor. Oh, you didn't spill it and that's not your trash you left on the seat or crammed into the gap between the seat and the window? How convenient.

- Cologne & perfume = good. Bathing in it = BAD. No, make that VERY BAD. Spare us. We don't want to be TASTING your d@mned cheap a$$ (or expen$ive a$$) stinky water for hours after walking within three (3) feet of you or someplace that you've been recently. I don't care if you smell like newly minted large denomination money... there is such a thing as restraint, learn some. Think of the $money$ you'll be saving.

- Bathing is NOT optional. Use hot water & soap... often... daily even... You would be surprised at how much easier it is to chat up that hottie on the train after you've dealt with your stench.

- Don't read over my shoulder. It's rude. It's an invasion of my privacy. It could be a security risk. And it could lead to you getting poked in the eye. Yes, I would rustle my (note MY) reading materials right when you are hanging over me like a vulture and hopefully smack you in the face and get really lucky and poke you in the eye. I'm like that. Deal with it and bring something to read, dumba$$.

- Do NOT have a loud phone call while on the train or in the Metro at all.

1. You can't hear a damn thing
2. Neither can they
3. The rest of us, however, hear fine and resent you for deafening us.
4. Shut up.
5. Turn off the phone.
6. No one likes you anyway.

- Do NOT perform PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) while using the Metro. I may throw up and ruin the mood. I mean... do you REALLY think that you two sucking face is CUTE? ::snickers:: Get a room. Buy a clue. You aren't and this isn't the Playboy Channel. Take it somewhere PRIVATE.

- Give an old person a seat when the train is crowded, you stupid shit! They are older than you, far more tired that you and are likely hell and gone politer than you. Plus, you don't wanna be the person that they fall on if the train stops suddenly. You'll smell like 'old person' for hours afterward. Eww... And heaven forbid that they hurt themselves. Metro WILL keep us all there to take statements. That'll ruin your night a lot worse than standing for a few stops. Plus, you'll be reguarded as a "good soul" for being so considerate. So move your a$$ and give 'em that seat! (Especially if it's labeled "for the elderly or physically impaired). And no, being a dumba$$ isn't a physical impairment... it's a cultural/social one and they don't make special seats for your type of problem. If they did, it'd be on TOP of the train. Enjoy the fresh tunnel air but remember to duck those pipes and lights.

- Do NOT run for the train. This ain't an elevator. The doors do not retract (it means pull back) when they strike an object (like your thick head or fat a$$). No, they continue to try and close so the train can get out of the way of the next train. Besides, we don't want your dumba$$ in our car anyway. You loser. Catch the next damn train.

Thus ends my rant for the day. Thank you for reading and probably nodding at a few of these and snarling at others. Hey, no one's perfect but damn... it won't kill us to try to be.