Villain Rules

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I will strictly follow these guidelines while conquering the world...

Raina: Note Witchy: conquering not destroying, see I listen.


1. My foot-soldiers will have helmets with clear plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

Raina: So the heroes can't masquerade as my soldiers as easily.

Witchy: Yep, good plan. I always wondered about villains that had their minions hide their faces...


2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

Raina: Too small for their cute child/normal girlfriend to crawl through also.

Witchy: Better get some rabid ferrets trained in a hurry. Hero types tend to be imventive, they’ll probably train gerbils or some such... We're gonna need those ferrets primed and on the loose in the ventelation ducts, like pronto!


3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Raina: Not an issue - no half siblings, no whole siblings, and the one best friend I call sister doesn't wanna rules the world, just her household.

Witchy: Luckily, no one in my family is into ruling the world, they’d make great minions, though.


4. Shooting is not too good for any of my enemies.

Raina: Too true.

Witchy: Just remember to keep your gab shut before you pull the trigger, though!


5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

Raina: Er... not an issue, but good to know. Hide it behind governmental red tape. Lovely wicked ideas these.

Witchy: I like red... and tape... Red tape, however, not my favorite. Let’s make it work for us, for a change...


6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

Raina: Nah, gloat over their corpses for a few minutes. Then call the cleaning crew to clean up the blood after decapitating each and every one of them. So they can't have one of those nearly impossible to believe survivals.

Witchy: Them pesky herotypes are tricky that way. Nah, best not giving them any chance to react or to warn others through telepathy or hidden body-mikes!


7. When I've captured my adversary, and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

Raina: ~Scribbling notes in her memo pad~

Witchy: That’s the ticket. No chance in hell to foil our plans... er... your plans, yeah! Your plans! I’m not a part of this, nope, not me. Never heard of any of this!


8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

Raina: Ew... can't I just kill her instead? Yuck, would rather marry then shag the hot boyfriend of the heroine. Note to heroes: your girlfriends will be killed so they can't have a child that may or may not be yours and comes after me later to avenge you both. Note to heroines: your boyfriends will be married to me or one of the foot-soldiers, shagged and killed. Why? Because I'm the villain, that's why.

Witchy: Mmmm... Shagging... ~Beat~ Huh? Where was I?


9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

Raina: Oops, er... Witchy? You wanna call the engineers for me so they help me move the on/off switch and replacing it with another booby-trap?

Witchy: ~Runs off in pursuit of the engineers~ You know we don’t do stuff like this on the phone or over radio! Communications can always be intercepted!


10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

Raina: Right, the bloodstains won't be on my carpet, bedding, walls, etc. And they won't possibly escape and find the lab or prison.

Witchy: Plus... MINI BARS!!! WooHoo!!!

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

Raina: Duh! Weaker enemies can grow in strength or attack in numbers. Enough bee stings will kill anyone.

Witchy: See, that’s what I’ve always said was most villains biggest mistace. Allowing them pesky herotypes to plant and then cultivate doubts in one’s own abilities. Insecure villains never make it. Know who you are, know your limitations, then eliminate them!

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that (s)he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

Raina: Zoe? *Sister's newborn daughter* Hurry up! I need you old enough to look at these plans for world conquest.

Witchy: Hmmm... My nephew is too old for this one. He’s huge, though, he’ll make a great foot-soldier or upper level minion!


13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

Raina: Can't we feed them to the guard-dragons? Please?

Witchy: Well, duh! Since when did the dragons pass up a free meal?


14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

Raina: Duh, I have no sympathy for the enemy. They get no comforts before the die. None! ~evil laughter~

Witchy: Before they die? Whaddaya mean, before they die? Herotypes are to be shot on sight, no warning! They’re not going to have time to ask for a last anything, as they’ll never see it coming in the first place!


15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

Raina: Yep, done. Not that number, but done.

Witchy: Hourglasses are nice, let’s find a way to incorporate one into a counter. I know, it won’t actually be a counter, but it’d great for mindgames!

/Hey, it’s an hourglass? How the hell do we diffuse an hourglass???/


16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

Raina: Nah, I'll just pay a private investigator to find out for me.

Witchy: You’re not honestly planning on having conversations with the herotypes before you kill them, are ya?

Raina: No.


17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

Raina: ~waves at Witchy~

Witchy: Advisors? I’m not yer farkin’ advisor. I’m your muse, is what I am!


18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

Raina: Right, no daughters either. Same reason.

Witchy: Check! Nix on the kids. If we feel like coddling someone, we’ll have plenty to choose from... ~Drools while eyeballing the galleries~


19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance, and she'd betray me.

Raina: Another good reason, but no son for possibly the same reason or if it's a heroine.

Witchy: Doublecheck!!!


20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

Raina: Rats, but it's so much fun! Oh, ok.

Witchy: Giggling madly, however is not only recommended, but highly advisable! Besides, them pesky herotypes look upon giggling as cute and harmless. Right! We’ll show them harmless!!!


21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my foot-soldiers, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

Raina: Comfort is a big issue too. You fight better when you aren't trying to dig a wedgy out or avoid being impaled on your buddies' pointy armor.

Witchy: Jeans! Nice, thight fitting jeans, with a little lycra in the blend to allow for free movement, possibly leather in absence of jeans. And tight fitting tee’s, or tanktops? ~Drools at the galleries~


22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

Raina: Er... energy fields are NOT on my diet. Doctor's orders.

Witchy: Plus, they make the hair all frizzy...


23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

Raina: Already done, plus they are routinely sent to martial arts training classes.

Witchy: I call dibs on the crossbow! Oh, and someone promised me he’d teach me how to use the longbow. Do we have the funds for a shipment of compound bows?

Raina: Yep, sure do. They are on order along with the DNA sequencers. ETA: 3-4 business days


24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" After that, death is usually instantaneous.

Raina: Too true.

Witchy: Best way to avoid that, is to make sure we’ll never get into a situation where that would be a given reaction. Hence my “shoot them pesky herotypes on sight” policy!


25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible.

Raina: The heroes always steal/take over such devices and used them to destroy everything.

Witchy: Yep, we need to be able to destroy it in a split second, flat! Two remotes, one for each of us, in case of utmost emergency only, will the button be pushed... seeing as it’ll take most of the northern hemisphere with it... *Ouch*

Raina: Note to self: remember to make them so that it has to be one of us as verified by fingerprint analysis. It will also check for a PULSE and require a single one word audio prompt… Mine’s going to be “nards”. Trust me, me saying “nards” after pushing the button is not likely happen anytime short of me opting to blow up most of the northern hemisphere.